The One Where Keith Had Hands Like Cow's Tits

Stockport 3's were back in league action with their toughest assignment to date as they took on table toppers Glossop 2's. With the previous fixture having been reversed, the game was played at Headlands Road with both teams looking to put down a marker ahead of being drawn together in the semi final of the Cotton Traders Shield in March as well as hoping to end the day with the league's top spot. The team welcomed back returning centre Jason Holmwood from a sabbatical which saw him paired in the midfield with Craig Lee whilst try scoring machine Duncan 'Boyband' Heder was on the wing. With both regular fly halves Rhys Warhurst and Rick Morgan unavailable through injury, the 10 shirt was reluctantly worn by Keith Warhurst moving from his regular (also reluctant) 9 spot.

Stockport began the game playing into the breeze and receiving kick off which meant they were immediately onto the front foot after solid carries from lock Chris Dodd and prop Dave 'Porky' Burr who seemed to be putting his breakfast ballast to good use. However, and as was the theme of the day, every time the game gained some momentum it was cut short by an unforced error or mistake. Hedar was twice put away however fell foul of the dreaded touchline and it was fair to say that the Stockport line out was not a regular source of reliable ball, however the scrum faired much better with Stockport dominant in this area. It was from such a set piece that a rushed clearance kick by Glossop saw the ball fall directly into the hands of Hedar who this time managed to tip-toe the whitewash and skate over for the first try of the game with an unsuccessful conversion from wing Gaz Thomas. The score line was soon doubled after great hands saw the ball moved out to Thomas who dived into the corner for a score however another touchline conversion dropped short but the home side were now looking to build on their quick start with the defence again to the fore, not allowing any Glossop incursions into their half whilst constantly probing the options through scrum half James Singleton. A scrum move saw Singleton feed full back Ben Turner who in turn released Hedar and he danced his way to the line and under the posts for an easy Thomas conversion pushing the score out to 17-0 within the first 20 minutes. A break from Warhurst should have led to a sure fire try for Holmwood however the pass that followed resembled a someone who had been electrocuted and the chance went begging, which was only compounded when the next try was scored by the world's greatest in-game commentator Burr who plunged over from close range like a breeching whale gasping for air however made the score line a very respectable 22-0 at half time.

The half time talk was all about calming things down and going through the basics however this is really difficult when you have a 9 who thinks 3 phases ahead and plays the game like its on a PlayStation. We also had the redeeming positive qualities of coach Roubs who basically said anyone who makes a mistake is coming off!!!!!!! We now all know this was utter shite as I made more mistakes than a politician during Covid but no sign of me getting a rest!!!

On to the second half which was a very stop/start affair again punctuated by mistakes and unforced errors from the home team. A turnover at a scrum saw the ball squirt out to Singleton who fed Warhurst leaving him with a simple run to the line and score directly under the posts however this meant him catching the ball in the first place which did not happen. The next interaction saw him run into Holmwood with the ball instead of passing it to him which looked like something from a Laurel & Hardy film however all was not lost as Stockport scored 3 further tries through Turner (despite the best efforts of lock Mel McCaughey to cock it up), back row Matt Blackman and that man Singleton who this time decided not to pass to Warhurst and eliminate the risk of another cock up with 2 of the 3 tries converted by Thomas. Stand out comment of the second half was Burr standing 5 yards from a ruck screaming at forwards standing 15 yards from a ruck for not rucking!! Shouldn't they all be rucking, as forwards????? We also had the curious case of a ball ending up in touch courtesy of a Glossop player passing to a non-existent team mate however it was deemed that he had done this deliberately (surely a yellow card offence) due to the fact that home prop Llewellyn Coveney-Winter had gone done like a shot wildebeest and he was feeling sorry for him, the game resuming with a scrum to Glossop????

A difficult afternoon as we just couldn't get any rhythm or momentum going in attack and left plenty of points out there however once again, the defence was superb and genuinely limited the visitors to absolutely no efforts to score throughout the home game. With a final score of 41-0 not to be scoffed at, it saw Stockport return to the top of the table with games in hand over chasers Glossop and Eccles with 8 games left to play.

Onto the awards and MOTM was a difficult choice today as everyone (bar me) played well without actually doing anything that warranted superlatives however in true Finnigan fashion, when undecided the best course of action is to just give it a forward and so it went to lock Chris Dodd who in fairness has become a consistent and vital cog in the engine room as well as running the line outs and this is before we mention his exceptional maintenance and cleanliness of his balls with his £2.50 special brush!!

There can only be one DOTD. After announcing he doesn't kick, it also seemed like he doesn't catch or pass either with a number of high profile mistakes in front of a baying crowd (and resident 10's) of Morgan and Warhurst Junior the DOTD goes to Keith Warhurst (and this time I didn't need a yellow card to get it either). I have to admit though, downing that pint of Guinness nearly killed me!!!!