The One With Too Many Headlines!!!

This Saturday started with the All Stars playing a game at home v Bowdon which was due to be attended by several members of the 3's including lock Chris Dodd who was not only attending but promising breakfast. However, prior to attending the requisite sandwich shop he decided to get a quick trim of his barnet but promised he was on his way. Several hours later and with the All Stars game over, he turned up minus sandwiches and seemingly minus a haircut despite him paying £16 for what was clearly a combination of fraud and robbery (unless it was hair we couldn't see that had been cut)?. It was then off to the sandwich shop who housed someone serving who was less happy than me and demanded we keep the noise down (we were the only ones in there) and we then decamped to the house of Christ the Redeemer aka Delia Cockersmith who in true midget fashion has a mini ironing board, a mini Swiss army knife and a step for him to reach the top shelves in his kitchen. However he had the biggest clock (yes, I mean clock as in tick tock) and spotlight known to man making it look like a poor man's scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

However, on to the rugby and Stockport showed few changes from the previous week however welcomed back prop Jack Booth and wing Maxi Bailey and also saw No.8 Elliot Lee start at the back of the scrum. To their credit, Aspull travelled with 12 players and to ensure a game, the legends that are Elliot Smith and Will Trollope agreed to play for the opposition so we could get the game underway. Within the first 2 minutes, the dam burst as full back Gaz Thomas opened the scoring with a try and this was soon followed with one for centre Craig Lee with neither being converted. Stockport were playing simple basic mistake-free rugby and this was reaping its rewards as Chris Dodd then crashed over from an Aspull lineout with the conversion added by fly half Rhys Warhurst and 17-0 was soon 24-0 with another try for Lee converted by Warhurst. Booth then cut a piercing line off a ruck to dance his way over, again converted by Warhurst and not to be outdone by the forwards wing Duncan 'Angry' Hedar was next to cross the whitewash in what was rapidly becoming a landslide. The set piece was solid which was in no small part thanks to marmalade monster Mark 'Paddington' Shiel with the self proclaimed big bear rock solid allowing a platform to play off which resulted in the next try for flanker Nathan Jackson who was lurking out wide and rocketed over for another try converted by Warhurst and then this Jackson/Warhurst trick was repeated seeing Stockport smash through the 50 point mark before half time. There was still enough time for another score which saw Hedar register his 2nd, converted by Warhurst which saw the half time score at 57-0 and score master Rick Morgan having only managed 1 pint due to furiously trying to keep WhatsApp up to date.

The half time talk was straight forward for skipper Jim Finnigan which was more of the same as well as keeping our defensive line in tact. Substitutions saw Booth and Shiel replaced by Llewellyn Coveney-Winter and Jez Taylor whilst penalty machine Tom Mounkley replaced Cockersmith who despite apparently always being in the right place still hadn't scored. Speed machine Maxi Bailey swopped with Elliot Smith to play for the opposition but more on Bailey later...................

The second half commenced much as the first had ended with centre Aaron Hussain crossing for a try, converted by Warhurst pushing the score line out to 64-0 and then from deep in the Stockport 22, a counter attack was launched as Coveney -Winter latched onto a loose kick through and fed Keith Warhurst who turned on the afterburners and absolutely smoked Bailey who had been talked up pre-game by Dodd as potentially being faster than resident cheetah Hedar however it was made clear after the game he was (apparently) doing me a favour!!!!! Then came the change the whole Stockport team had wanted to see as scrum half Will Trollope traded places with Keith Warhurst meaning he was there to be hammered by his own team. It was like watching a shoal of piranhas waiting to attack a defenceless ageing hippo who had no hope of survival as he donned a pink shirt that was clearly made for a young child making him look like walnuts in a condom. His first bit of action was to try and tackle Dodd down the blindside however like something for Help The Aged, Dodd slowed and practically fell at his feet clearly feeling sorry for him. His next act was to watch Elliot Smith streak over for an unconverted score however the game then seemed to change in mood as frustration crept into the home side, due in no small part to the constant stream of barracking abuse from Warhurst towards his own team mates. Scrums were being disrupted however Cockersmith, who has returned to replace Jackson was having a whale of a time as he twice tackled Warhurst and was heard to be screaming at the bottom of a ruck as he held on for dear life, "JUSTICE, THAT IS JUSTICE!" Despite the WhatsApp suggestion from the non-playing Dan Eccles that maybe a boot down the ankle of Warhurst would do the trick, Aspull started to manage to put some phases together and in small parts controlled possession which lead to that man Mounkley giving away yet another penalty for hands in the ruck (even though it was me) and then vented his frustration at skipper Finnigan who was attempting to take the piss, he was a donkey on the edge!!!

An opportune moment saw Warhurst Snr and Jnr collide which resulted in the ball being released by junior only to get dragged to the ground, given a facial and referred to as a shithouse whilst being sat on by his dad to prevent him getting up. With the ref unaware of the relationship, a card was on the cards until Mounkley (who had now cheered up) explained the family ties to the ref and he left us to it. Now speaking of cards......a scrum to Stockport, where they had been dominant all game saw the ref state the ball was out (yes he did Hedar, confirmed by everyone but you) so it was dived on by Warhurst before Trollope could get the pass away. Its fair to say that Trollope was not to happy with this and his protestations saw a penalty awarded and then another 10 yards as he seemingly didn't want to stop arguing? I'm not too sure what happened next (for fear of libel action) however it lead to Trollope leaving the field and a penalty to Aspull. This lead to Hedar venting his spleen at Warhurst and before you know it, we're watching an episode of Coronation Street with a full on domestic on the old cobbles. With calm resumed, the last action of the game saw Lee over for his hat trick score, converted by Warhurst junior and the ref blew his whistle on proceedings.

Before we get on to MOTM and DOTD, special mention has to be made to Aspull who made the journey with 12 players and carried on right to the end. Special mentions also to Will Trollope, Elliot Smith, Maxi Bailey and Mark Shiel who all volunteered to play for the opposition which again ensured the game could continue.

Now on to the awards and when you have a captain who is a forward, awards will always stay in the pack. Apparently it went to a vote (he didn't fucking ask me) and it came down to a shoot out between No.8 Elliot Lee and the marauding Irish chicken wing that is Mel McCaughey however MOTM deservedly went to Lee (Galloway will be screaming obscenities at his aunty over her wedding plans).

Now DOTD.......usually there are a number of candidates however on this occasion other than a few dodgy passes (which happens) no one really put their hand up for this prestigious award other than Bailey being outpaced by his 'dad' and Penalty Tom doing what he does but step forward Will Trollope who not only gave a penalty away but then gave away another 20 yards and then got himself removed from the pitch completely!!!