The One With The Tap & The Clap

Having not played since the 18th Nov due to bad weather, Stockport 3's were chomping at the bit to get back onto the field and what better way to welcome local rivals Marple 2's to Headlands Road. With Marple 1's otherwise engaged there was no fear of a repeat of the 12-12 draw earlier in the season with the home side giving a debut to wing Max Bailey and welcoming back veteran prop Jez Taylor to replace the mardy pants Jack Booth who was suffering with a poorly little tooth!! : )

The ref's pre match briefing involved a lot of the usual and then some unusual with him announcing that he likes to brandish his yellow card and so the game kicked off with Stockport receiving but playing with the blustery wind at their backs. The kick off resulted in a knock on from skipper Jimmy Finnigan who actually did not need to play the ball as it hadn't travelled the requisite 10 metres, however clearly his scrum cap has soundproofing installed cos he couldn't hear EVERYONE telling him to leave it. Stockport soon regained control of the ball and from what seemed like a straight forward case of passing along the line, wing Duncan Heder found himself in acres of space and with only the full back to beat turned the ball back inside for centre Aaron Hussain which was converted by the ever-reliable Kitty-Rick Morgan giving the home side a 7-0 lead. This was soon doubled as a bounce pass (intended surely) found its way to Hussain who produced the now patented Hussain AirSwing from which he connected with his knee and managed to regather to feed Bailey who was over for his first ever Stockport score, again improved by full back Morgan. Having clearly not heeded the ref's pre-match warning, scrum half Keith Warhurst then found himself taking an early 10 minute breather for a deliberate knock on where there was seemingly no intent to regather and presumably Marple were nailed on to score from their own 22??? The removal of Warhurst actually seemed to improve the home side and with the game opening up, it began to open the field which was manna from heaven for the child-like back row duo of Henry Carolan and Nathan Jackson who were everywhere. It was soon raining tries including a 2nd from Bailey after a lovely kick-through assist from Finnigan, redeeming himself as well as scores for Heder and fly half Rhys Warhurst along with the marauding Irishman lock Mel McCaughey which were all improved by Morgan who is enjoying his very own Indian summer with the boot and the score was now 35-0. With Warhurst Senior reintroduced (and some would say actually not required), Heder scored his second again converted by Morgan and just before half time Stockport scored their 7th try of an amazing first half taking them into the half time interval with a 47-0 lead.

The half time talk was simple, more of the same please and saw the introduction of Conal Dooley at prop to replace Taylor whilst the rest of the team remained the same.

The second half started as the first had ended with Heder recording his hat-trick try however Morgan was clearly out of steam after the 'Glossop Mole' had appeared and taken his kicking ability away from him. A late tackle on Heder in the act of scoring saw a yellow card brandished for the Marple player and soon it was the turn of centre Jason Holmwood to barge his way over after an amazing charge to the line by resident 'Welshman' Llewellyn Coveney-Winter saw him stopped just short however it remained at 57-0 after Morgan again failed to convert and handed over the kicking duties to Warhurst Junior. Hussain then saw yellow for applauding the ref's decision in an act that also saw a 2nd Marple player see yellow meaning it was 14 v 14 for 10 minutes. Warhurst Senior and Junior then combined for a try converted by McCaughey which was much to the disappointment of Hussain who, having been reinstated to the side was nailed on for a 2nd try after tracking Warhurst and being given a running commentary as to how and when the ball would be passed only for nepotism to prevail which saw Junior dance under the posts (how Morgan wished he'd kept the kicking duties now). A fine line break from McCaughey would have led to a sure fire try however he decided to ignore the scrum half right fucking next to him and throw a mis-pass to the another lock Dominic Alexander Waterhouse-Kern (or DAWK to his mates) who was playing wing and who appeared to be running whilst wearing a parachute and carrying a fridge freezer on his back. His attempt to turn the ball back inside was intercepted by Marple who had tracked back well and prevented the score however this only delayed the inevitable as another flashing break and assist from Warhurst Senior saw Morgan flying towards the line with only 1 player to beat and team mates either side of him. Instead of taking the easy option (and pass), he decided to go alone and having been half-tackled found himself crawling and bouncing to the line like a beached turtle trying to get back to the sea however he got there and scored which was converted by Warhurst Junior. With the game now winding to a close, further pressure saw replacement back row Elliot Lee score his first Stockport try, also converted by Warhurst to see the final score recorded at 78-0.

Special mentions (where to start) to many however fly half Rhys Warhurst had an immense game both in attack and defence (with a try saving cover tackle), Duncan Heder for the now obligatory hat trick, lock Chris Dodd for an immense defensive effort (and for bringing Max down), Max Bailey for a 2-try debut for the club and Rick Morgan for his prolific kicking display however they were pipped to the post for MOTM by my 'other' son No.8 Elliot Galloway who was simply everywhere in both attack and defence, doing all the dirty work and the hard yards to allow the prancing ponies to score. Coach Roubs would have been proud, "Great line Ell"

Now onto DOTD and there were a few contenders including Morgan being felled by the Glossop Mole plus his impersonation of the upturned turtle as well as McCaughey and Galloway having a first half set-to over whether to pass or not to pass, that was the question??? DAWK for his inability to score a gimme and Finnigan for dropping the opening kick off of the game however when the ref has told you he likes the colour yellow you are probably best to not get in the way of that so joint DOTD's for Warhurst Senior and Hussain for their 10 minute breathers, the tap and the clap!!

PS I've just stood up from writing this and I have cramp in places I didn't know I had muscles!!! Oh my legs!!!!!