The One With the Divot (not Pivot)

Stockport finally got back into league action having not played since 23rd September with a tough fixture against table topping Glossop who had leapfrogged the undefeated mighty 3's due to games played. With Headlands Road being unavailable, the match was switched to Glossop which was touch and go given the week's inclement weather however the game was given the go-ahead.

Stockport fielded possibly their strongest team of the season with the kicking duo of Rhys Warhurst and Kitty-Rick Morgan at 10 and 15 whilst hard hitting centre Jason Holmwood was paired with the maverick that is Aaron Hussain. Due to a late withdrawal by skipper Jimmy Finnigan, Llewellyn Coveney-Winter was promoted off the bench into the front row with scrum half Keith Warhurst taking the captaincy (but more about that clown later)!!!!

Stockport won the toss and chose to play into the first half wind whilst receiving the kick off which was exceptionally fielded by Coveney-Winter who launched the first of many attacks. Wave after wave of phases must have brought a hint of a smile to coach Rouban Birch's face (but this is doubtful) but not to the face of lock Mel McCaughey who was the recipient of an alleged off-the-ball headbutt, resulting in him referring to his assailant as a tramp (how very posh of the man from Bramhall). All of this hard work was eventually rewarded when the ball was shipped wide to wing Duncan Hedar who breezed past his opponent like he wasn't there to register the first try of the game, duly converted by full back Morgan. As with most games this season, lots of penalties were being awarded however these seemed to be going in Stockport's favour (I wonder why) and it wasn't long before further sustained pressure led to Hussain managing to somehow squirm his way over in the corner to give the away side a solid 0-12 lead which soon became 0-15 with a penalty goal from Morgan. Glossop asserted themselves into the game and on the stroke of half time managed to get over for a try which went unconverted giving the away side a 5-15 half time lead.

The half time chat was all positive, the team had fought for everything and just needed to tighten up on defence and in particular over committing to the ruck. The main point was to use the conditions and pin Glossop back into the corners using the boots of Morgan and Warhurst junior.

The second half began with just that and a kick to the corner was well chased by Heder who smashed into his opponent. With the forwards arriving en masse, a turnover ensued and it was left to lock McCaughey to simply touch down for another Morgan converted try pushing the score out to 5-22. The game was now all about pressure with massive hits occurring everywhere with prop Jack 'Jacky Boy' Booth, No.8 Rowan Birch and centre Jason Holmwood leading the way and it was from this defensive pressure that led to a midfield mistake from Glossop allowing Holmwood to swoop onto the loose ball and scamper underneath the posts for another Morgan converted try taking the score to 5-29. With the shackles now off, the ball was being thrown around Barbarians style but unfortunately not always to a team mate as Booth was intercepted allowing Glossop a length of the field score reducing the arrears to 12-29.

Now usually this type of antic would put him forward for the renowned DOTD award but this was surpassed by the greatest piece of shitness the world of rugby has ever seen. With Glossop under increasing pressure, they resorted to kicking to try and clear their lines however one such kick fell straight into the hands of Hussain who set off into open space. With captain Warhurst on his shoulder, Hussain duly released the pass as Warhurst shaped up to drill the ball into the Glossop corner, keeping the pressure on with a perfectly weighted grubber.............which is how it played out in my head however at the point of release it is believed that a Glossop mole popped out of the pitch and deviated the ball which in turn led to Warhurst drilling the floor, akin to a Chris Dodd tee shot and saw the ball travel approximately 3 yards. Gratefully it was picked up by wing Dan Duggan so no further harm was to come other that immense embarrassment and piss taking (from both sides I hasten to add) . From the resulting ruck, there was a knock on so it was scrum down to Stockport who sent the Glossop scrum into such a retreat that a reversing alarm could be heard and from the resulting mess, the ball was collected and fed inside to back row Lawrence Hiney who strolled over for another Morgan converted try pushing the scoreline out to 12- 36.

Now fortunately for Glossop we only give out DOTD to our own team as close to their line, their scrum half told everyone he was going to clear with a box kick. This would have been an excellent choice had the ball not gone upwards, backwards and towards his own line whereby replacement prop Dominic Alexander Waterhouse-Kern (or DAWK to everyone) managed to push McCaughey out of the way to ground the ball for the most uncelebrated score of the afternoon. Such was the disgust for him scoring, Morgan couldn't even be arsed to kick the conversion!!!!

With DOTD now in the bag, everyone assumed that they could do what they wanted and get away with it. An awesome 50 metre run from hooker Dave Burr saw him bump the full back but was slowed down enough to be caught (fortunately as his try would have been despised more than DAWK's) but then saw a clear scoring overlap wasted by an horrendous forward pass from lock Chris Dodd, then another forward pass (which was bad enough) got worse as Hussain tried to fly hack it on but true to his form produced a huge airswing and connected with nothing. Now as a scrum half, no matter which way you pass or who you pass to its clearly wrong coupled with the fact that at my age things start to go like hearing. Given I was clearly unresponsive to Warhurst junior screaming for the ball at 10, he resorted to shouting "dad, dad" which I get but then the same shout occurred from a different voice where I looked to see No.8 Birch standing at first receiver shouting "dad, dad" whilst clapping like a seal!!! Now I know I'm old enough to be dad to many of the team but if I were his dad, that moustache would have to go along with his brother's mullet!!!!!

The game was now over as a contest and winding down to a close. With Stockport hammering the home side line, the ball squirmed out of a breakdown into the grateful hands of scrum half Warhurst who popped to the advancing crash ball specialist that is Morgan who went over for a much deserved score and as the ref signalled last play, he further demonstrated his skills by popping over a drop goal conversion to leave the final score at 12-48 to Stockport.

Special mentions go to everyone who made the effort to get there and play in awful conditions however produced what I think was our best team performance of the season? The pack to a man (plus subs) were awesome both in attack and defence with special mentions to the hard hitting Jack Booth at prop and flanker Daniel Cockersmith who doesn't always get the recognition he deserves for doing the so called 'shit work' whilst others around him take the plaudits. The backs used the ball well (in the main) and made light of the conditions with Warhurst and Morgan demonstrating some excellent tactical kicking backed up by ferocious midfield work from Jason Holmwood. However for me, MOTM goes to full back Rick Morgan who gave a kicking masterclass both out of hand and off the tee, and off either foot when it was needed to keep Glossop at arm's length finishing the game with 18 of the team's 48 points

DOTD is a given, scrum half and captain Keith Warhurst with the worst execution of any kick ever. You know you're shit when both teams, subs, coaches, spectators and people watching the game on the adjacent pitch are laughing at your mistakes!!!!