This was allegedly posted briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Title
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name:....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: ..............................(max. 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........…

2.Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
[_] Ms.

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /......./...…

4. Serial Number: ............................................…

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] General
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Retired
[_] Student
[_] Defence Minister

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda/misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT:

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

Like a Woman

1) Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3) Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
4) Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5) Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6) Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7) Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8) Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10) Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12) Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
13) Turn off shower.
14) Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
16) Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
17) Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
18) Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).
19) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
20) If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and spirits, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burn on the forehead.

CAPTURED BY CANNIBALS

Men know about women:

THE CONFESSION SESSION

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

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IN AN EMERGENCY

A man comes home from work and hears his wife yelling. He runs up the stairs and finds her in bed naked; the man asks his wife what's wrong. She says she's having a heart attack. He runs downstairs to call 999 where he finds his 5 year old son. The boy cries, "Daddy, uncle's in the wardrobe naked!" So the man runs back upstairs and opens the closet and sure enough there was his brother naked in his wardrobe. "I can't believe it!" he yells, "My wife has an emergency and you're running around scaring the kids!"

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OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy Immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behaviour is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behaviour.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behaviour believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

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LETTER FOUND IN A "PERSONAL PROBLEMS" ADVICE COLUMN

I am a sailor in the Royal Navy. My parents live in the suburbs of Manchester and one of my sisters, who lives in Wrexham, is married to an Welshman. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Whalley Range. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a life sentence in Strangeways Prison, Manchester, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Hindley remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Wigan and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with VD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

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FARMER BROWN GETS A LEG UP

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg.
"Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five years ago ..."
"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"
"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was hired for doin' chores at Old Man Hanley's place. I finished my work, and as I'm getting into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."
"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"
"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin' about and fell off the roof."

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the post morten , did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the post mortem?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
---------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a witness summons which you have been served with?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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KNOW YOUR INTERNATIONAL LAWS

In Paris, it is illegal to walk with your hand up a ladies skirt, but you may touch breasts whilst travelling on the metro.

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PAINTING

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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KAWAWASKI

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute. Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going. Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued. Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself. The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out "Kawasaki!" Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

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MEDICAL ADVICE

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the car park for their return Home, they passed The Crown. The alcoholic hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he has a pint of Cider. No sooner had he replaced the pint pot on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

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THERE’S NOWT SO STRANGE AS FOLK

Ever wondered about those South Africans. A bit wierd, eh? read on.…
"At first, nothing seemed untoward," postmaster Dawie Bester told reporters who had gathered in his post office in East London (South Africa). "I was manning the counter which is used to serve illiterate people when a young man and woman arrived, holding an older man between them. They explained that he was their uncle, and said that 'he is very lazy, he cannot be bothered to stay awake to claim his pension. He may be drunk. He is ill.' "I started to become suspicious when I noticed that the old man's eyes were completely closed and still, and I noticed the way that the young man was manoeuvring the old man's hand onto the counter for the fingerprint taking. I told them that pension claimants have to be in full control of their body and mind in order to get the cash, and that I would have to call my supervisor. At that point they shouted a personal remark about my facial tattoo and ran off, leaving the old man to fall to the ground. "When I got round to the other side of the counter, I discovered that the old man was ice cold, and had obviously been dead for many hours, so I called the police. In all my twenty-nine years working in this post office I have never known such a thing. We have had several people die while waiting in the queue, but never a dead person trying to claim." (Eastern Province Herald, 23/11/99)

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INDUSTRIAL INJURY?

"My client sustained her injuries while carrying out the tasks she was being paid for," attorney Steven Slootsky told a hearing of Florida's Department of Labour and Employment Security in Fort Lauderdale, "and she is therefore entitled to compensation. She certainly doesn't deserve to be discriminated against just because she worked in the phone sex industry." Slootsky was speaking on behalf of his unnamed forty-year-old client during the industrial injuries case she had brought against CFP Enterprises Inc. "My client developed carpal tunnel syndrome, also known as repetitive strain injury, from masturbating as many as thirty-five times a day while speaking with callers. When she started her job, she was told to 'do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible', so she used one hand to answer the telephone, and the other hand to note down her customers' names and fetishes, and to give herself an orgasm during the verbal exchanges. Each call could last up to thirty minutes, and at the end of two years my client had developed carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands. She is therefore claiming compensation of $267 a week from CFP Enterprises, in recognition of lost earnings, and reimbursement of $30,000 in medical bills." Slootsky later told reporters that his client and CFP Enterprises had agreed an out-of-court settlement. (Malta Independent, 20/11/99.)

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SNAKE EYES!

"Sir, I am writing to warn your readers of the potential dangers of putting their pets on an overly strict diet. Last month, our vet advised us that Lelu, our six-year-old Burmese python, was becoming obese, and put her on the reptile equivalent of a Weight-Watchers program. Instead of three rats a day, she was to be fed only one. Yesterday, as I was getting out of the bath, I heard my wife screaming in terror. I rushed naked into the dining room, to see our four-year-old tabby cat, Sniffles, disappearing head-first down Lelu's throat. Initial attempts to prise the frantic Sniffles from Lelu's powerful jaws failed, but our screams alerted our neighbours, who burst in armed with spades and rifles, thinking that a crime was taking place. We explained the situation, and after several minutes, we finally managed to free Sniffles, but by that stage our cat was motionless, glassy-eyed, and apparently quite dead. Luckily, the story ends happily, because as I was digging a grave in the back garden, Sniffles suddenly regained consciousness, and seems to be none the worse for her ordeal, apart from a few bruises and a bit of mild brain damage. But from now on, whatever the vet may say, Lelu can have as many rats as she wants. Yours sincerely, Graham Goodall, Berea, Durban." (South Africa Times, 30/11/99.)

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SOME FOR THE LADIES

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

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ANYTHING YOU CAN DO..

Victoria was a very pretty blonde who was also very intelligent, very clever, very smartly dressed and sickeningly very everything! If that was not bad enough, she let everyone know about it too! All the kids disliked her (all right, they hated her!). Her equally pretty, equally sickening Mother had just had her second very profitable divorce and was investigating the possibilities of all the most well endowed (in all senses of the word) men in the locality. At the start of term Victoria was boasting (as usual) to Terry on the way to school. "I've got a new coat". "So what, so's mine and I've got new shoes" he said. "Well my shoes AND my jumper and my dress is brand new too and I'm wearing them for the first time today", "So what, so's my shirt and trousers AND my vest and pants are new too, beat THAT". "Well my vest and knickers are new too, so there". Miffed, Terry hit back by whipping his trousers and pants down and said triumphantly "Well you haven’t got one of THESE". Quick as a flash Victoria took her knickers down and said "My Mummy says when I've got one of THESE, I can have one of THOSE any time I want".

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PRIME CUT

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did that and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddennly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did," he said. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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THE 1ST MOVEMENT

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old "When you're seventy, you can't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00am. I pee like a race horse; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement? asked the 70-year-old. "Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am. “With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and have bowel movement every morning at 6:30. What's so tough about being 80?” "I don't wake up until 10:00 am."

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A SIMPLE GIFT

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked "Oh," says the doctor, "That rose is from a guy upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

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WHY IT'S GREAT BEING A BLOKE

A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
Queues for the bathroom don't exist
You can open all your own jars
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every one where someone's crying
All your orgasms are real
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
You can go to the bathroom without a support group
When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Nobody wonders if you swallow
You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
Sex means never worrying about your reputation
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend
You don't have to shave below your neck
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy backside every night
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
You can write your name in the snow
Biological clock?
Chocolate is just another snack
Flowers fix everything
You never have to worry about other people's feelings
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
Reverse parking is easy
Foreplay is optional
Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows
You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.In fact you encourage them.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut
You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.
You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe
The whole world is your urinal
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
One mood, all the time
Same work, more pay!
Grey hair and wrinkles add character
The remote control is yours and yours alone
No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother?
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger
Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice anything different?"
Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong, I'm certainly not telling you."
Your mates never say "Talk to me"
Life will go on if the bed sheets don't get changed once in a while.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man ( what's this Someday!!!) And you're looking forward to it.

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A TRUE BLOND STORY…

If she had killed herself-God forbid-she'd be a certainty for the Darwin Awards. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. speed boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.REMEMBER, this is TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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COMMONWEALTH GAMES
Manchester, 2002

Members of the Commonwealth Games committee have now published the schedule of events for the 2002 Commonwealth games in Manchester. They have been adapted in order to appeal to the local audience. of events.
OPENING CEREMONY: The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area or the Crescent), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS: In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, police dogs will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)
HAMMER: Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, ball pein etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
SHOOTING: A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS: Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT: As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
THE MARATHON: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK: Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY: Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The games flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

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VIRUS WARNING

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. SHIPMAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

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IT'S ALL IN THE NAME

In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name-Tylenol is acetaminophen Advil is ibuprofen and so on-- The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today they have settled on---Mycoxafloppin

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FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, 'come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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SO YOU WANT TO BE A EUROPEAN

Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are.
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph das.”
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo!Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realize it's 12 o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you;
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
If you answered "c" to all of the above. . Pack your bags and book a flight to the Continent you are living in the wrong country …...

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CONFUCIOUS SAYS

To celebrate the Chinese New Year Here are a few lesser known sayings from the Chinese Philosopher Confucius.:

Confucius say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Confucius say.. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement
Confucius say...Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius say...Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius say…He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say… Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say… Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say… Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Confucius say… Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Confucius say… Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.
Confucius say.… Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say...Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Confucius say...He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say… Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius say… Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say...He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Confucius say...Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts

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BLONDE JOKE

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

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LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her hter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" The mother-in-law asked. “I’m waiting for your son to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law "This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law “But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate you leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied.

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A QUESTION OF TASTE

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in s*men. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked If "I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

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A FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "You stupid bastard, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!!!!

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THAT'S LOGICAL

Two builders (Chas and Dave) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chas: I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave: No way he's a stockbroker.
Chas: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chas and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chas: 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Man in a Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Professor of Logical.
Chas: Oh! What's that then?
Man in a Suit: I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chas: Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Man in a Suit  : Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.  Which is it?
Chas: It's in a pond!
Man in a Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chas: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Man in a Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chas: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Man in a Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chas: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Man in a Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chas: -Yep! Four nights a week!
Man in a Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chas: -Me? Never
Man in a Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chas: -How's that then?
Man in a Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chas: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!   Both leave the toilet and Chas returns to his mate.
Dave: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chas: -Yep ! He's a Professor of Logical!
Dave: -What's that then?
Chas: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Dave: -Nope
Chas: -Well then, you're a wanker

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ELEPHANT IMPLANT

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack: "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

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CURRY HOUSE MUSIC

Popadum Preach - Madonna
Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
Bhaji Trousers - Madness
King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
Dansak Queen - Abba
Korma People - Pulp
Tikka Chance On Me - Abba
When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole
You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes
Korma Police - Radiohead
Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream
Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue
It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles
Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits
Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths
Pilau Talk - Doris Day
It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To - Dave
I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua
Sag Aloo - Black Grape
Take That and Chapati - Take That
Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji - Lisa Stansfield
I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant
Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge
Vindaloo - Abba
I Don't Want to Go to Chutney - Elvis Costello
Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss
Tandoor Deliver - Adam and the Ants
Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley
We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart
Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers
Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf
Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard
Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim

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